Tonight I came across a draft blog entry that never got posted. I had written it on February 13, at the end of a very busy and stressful week–and four days before my mother’s unexpected death. The blog begins:

Last Sunday morning as I was praying, I sensed the Lord was telling me to be expectant. To expect Him to do good things in my life, to give me opportunities to speak into others’ lives. To not be surprised when He answers the needs and desires of my heart.

Didn’t He, after all, fill me with hope for this new year back in January?

And then, quite unexpectedly, I heard my pastor say as he began the sermon: Be expectant. Believe that God will do what His Word says He will do.

Already, God had confirmed the words He spoke to me just an hour earlier.

I think I forgot all about this word from God. I mean, who’s feeling expectant when someone they deeply loved unexpectedly dies? Surely, this was not the good thing God wanted me to expect. Surely not.

But maybe He wanted me to start the year with fresh hope because He knew I would need it this year more than ever. My draft goes on to say:

How do I so quickly forget that God is all about new things? Redemption, resurrection, purpose? Hope? In every minute of the day. He’s not one to waste time. He redeems time.

Four months have passed since that awful day of my mother’s death. The Lord is reminding me again of the true redemptive nature of His character, and lately He’s been calling me back to expectancy.

Deep loss, as I’ve said before, precipitates deep assessment. And I’ve been assessing. I want to live the rest of my life with more intentionality than I ever have. I want to mine the meaning from this loss.

I’m finding that the Lord’s desire for me is the same. And because it is, I’m expecting Him to answer that desire of my heart.



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